Man to his wife: "The bad news is that we owe $100, 000 in university loans for the kids, a month's salary in back taxes, and our retirement fund is sinking."Wife: "What's the good news?"Husband: "Our identity has been stolen."

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My five-year-old, Katie, asked what I did at work. I explained that part of my job in the research lab was experimenting with mice and rats. Weeks later, at a school function, Katie's teacher expressed interest in my job. ''The children were describing where their parents work, '' she chuckled, ''and Katie told us that her mum works for rats.''

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Each morning I do a mad dash to drop my son off at daycare so I can get to work on time.
How impatient I had become hit home one morning when Tyler piped up from the back of the car, ''Our car is really fast and everyone else's is slow because they're all idiots, right, Mum?''

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"Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" the teacher asked her Year Seven students.

Everyone but John raised a hand to answer."Do you know, John?" she asked.

"Dammit, I don't know and I don't care!" the boy yelled, arms crossed. "Stop asking me stupid questions."

Upset, the teacher kept John after class and called his father for a conference."What's the problem?" John's dad asked when he arrived.

"Why is my son in detention?"

"I asked John who killed Abe Lincoln and he cursed and said he didn't know and didn't care, and told me to stop asking him questions," she said.

Furious with his son, the man grabbed John by the collar.

"What's your problem, son?" he shouted. "If you killed the man, just say so."