On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.

"Freeckin Jaysus" says the attendant, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".

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A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics?'

The father says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People. The Maid, we will consider her The Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him The Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his father has said.Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diapers. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Maid's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father making love with the Maid. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,'

The father says, 'Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies. 'The Prime Minister is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit.'

tis owned

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A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of politicians.
They called down to ground control with their list ofdemands and added that if their demands weren't met,
they would release one politician every hour.

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A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!'

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A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears.

"You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

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little boy comes home from first grade and tells his father that he learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "As Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get angry at me for giving someone a valentine?"

The father thinks for a moment and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," the boy says.

"Why Osama ," his father asks in disbelief. "

Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd jump with joy. And then he'd go all over and tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Father's heart swells and he looks at his son with newfound pride and joy. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."


thats all haha