lol today feeling good so update 2 times muahahaha!!!

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old."No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crapevery morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

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SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant askedJohn, seated in front."What are my choices?" John asked."Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departuregate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window."I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam."Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it,no other excuses whatsoever!"A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that Reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

ok the last 2nd is gross...

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Kathleen's pregnant mother was about to give birth.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just peed my diaper."

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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man ofthis house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'The wife replied, 'The mortician would be my first guess.'....

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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.."Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...""Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you.""Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?""Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?""Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!""Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.""My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith."Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.""Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said."Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat."And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.""She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith."Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look""Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement."Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?""It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.""Tripod?""Oh yes, Ma'am.. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."Mrs. Smith fainted

P.S.(danial) DAN I FOUND IT!!! I FOUND THIS JOKE!!! ^^ LOL

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There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL)

.It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us forthe past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do.. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

LOL expected a dirty ending for tis XD

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The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!' What an exuberant cheerleaderhe was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middlefinger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

ok la end of post XD