Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by. There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them. The old dog lifts it's hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.

One of the old men says to the other, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."

After a short pause, the other old man says, "Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!"



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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



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A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.



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A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.



The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”



The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”



The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”



The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”



The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”



The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”



The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.



The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.



His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face.



The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,



“Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”



The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”



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One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently.

He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom.

When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean."

The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it.

So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole.

Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.



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Two people are walking through a graveyard when they hear a wierd chiselingsound.

Scared to death they continue walking sticking together when theclinking noise grew even louder.

They are relieved when they find an old manchiseling away at one of the tombstones.

One of them walks up to the oldman and says, "You gave us such a fright mate, we thought you were aghost."

The old man replies, "Dont worry, its those idiotic graveyard wardens,they got my name wrong"..........