-Dan- Lol??This blog dead arh?Nvm...Lemme brighten it up!!!

TALES FROM IMH

Record I
Patient A: "So how.. this book not bad ya?"
Patient B: "Excellent! Astounding work. Nononsense shit, sharp and concise to the point. But there's a major flaw inthis piece of art too many character names to remember!!!"
Nurse: "Hey! Can the two of you..put thetelephone book back to the original place?"

Record II
One doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut oneof your ear off, what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."
Doctor: "Hmm.. that's normal...So if I were to cut your other ear off,what will happen t o you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to see..."
The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why wouldyou not see then???"
Patient: "Because my spectacles will drop down..."

Record III
IMH has an old lady who wears black everyday, carriesa black umbrella and squats @ the entrance to the IMH everyday without fail, rain or shine.The doctor wanted to administer treatment for her and decided to start by understanding her behaviour. So, the doctor also wear black and carries a black umbrella;squatted outside together just next to her, rain or shine,everyday without fail.So as...days goes by...the two of them squattedside-by-side w/o a single exchange of words.. for one solid month...One fine day..the old lady finally broke the silenceand asked the doctor: "Err...Excuse me! Are you also a mushroom?"

Record IV (be best)
A nurse saw a patient writing a letter.. She gotcurious and went to take a peek.. But the patient didn't wanna let her see.
Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who areyou writing to?"
Patient : "I'm writing a letter to myself..."
Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone write a letter to himself?)
So she asked again: "So...what's written inside?"
Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ah? I haven't receive the letter, how would I know??"

Record V
Two patients escape from the IMH. They climbed up a tree and one of them fell from the tree and started rolling on the ground. After a while, the patient rolling shouted to the top:"
Hey! How come you are not coming down yet?"
The patient ontop replied:
"No..no...I can't...I'm not ripe yet"

Record VI
One patient visited the doctor: "Doc...how? I think I'm a chicken since I was born..."
Doctor: "Woah! that's very serious...Why do you only come and seek treatment now?"
Patient: "Because my family needs me to hatch the eggs..."

Record VII (Prefect)
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home after unloading the stuff. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix on the newtyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.The truck driver was very sad as he can't fished the boltsup; started t o panick.Coincidentally, one patient walk past and asked thedriver what happened.The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do,he told the patient the whole incident.The patient nonchantly replied:
"can't even fix such asimple problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."
And he goes on explaining:
"You just have to take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Drive to the nearest workshop andreplace the missing ones"
The driver was very impressed and asked"You're so smart but why do you stay in IMH?"
Patient replied: "I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
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Hmm hmm hmm..Enjoy ^^

as requested by dan =.= rd jokes. courtesy of http://www.rdasia.com

I have a room in my house, full of mirrors. Sometimes I go there to reflect.

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Pessimist: ''My glass is half empty.''
Optimist: ''My glass is half full.''
Corporate-downsizing consultant: ''Looks like we've got twice as much glass as we need here.''

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Butch, our dog, hated taking his medicine for worms. After a lot of trial and error, my father eventually figured out the simplest way to get it into him: blow it down Butch's throat with something called a pill tube.
So Dad put the large tablet in one end of the tube, forced the reluctant dog's jaws open and poked the other end into his mouth. Then, just as my father inhaled to blow, Butch coughed.
A startled look appeared on Dad's face. He opened his eyes wide and swallowed hard. "I think I've just been de-wormed," he gasped.

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Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup. "I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

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According to the National Sleep Foundation, 75 per cent of adults say they have problems sleeping. The poll used a random sample of 1506 adults who were called in the middle of the night.

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One afternoon my mother went shopping and returned a few hours later with ten new dresses.
"Ten!" Dad hollered. "What could any woman possibly want with ten new dresses?"
Mum replied in a calm voice: "Ten new pairs of shoes."

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Vinegar gets a lot of use in our home. I use it for laundry, for cleaning, and we normally eat salad dressed with plain olive oil and vinegar. One day I arrived home to find my eight-year-old son, Jason, scrubbing a very slippery floor. "Did you put vinegar in the water?" I asked him.
"Yes," he replied, "and I threw in some oil, too."

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My ten-year-old grandson, Jeffrey, called to ask if he and his cousin could sleep over at our house. ''Not this weekend, Jeffrey, '' I told him. ''I'm getting old.''

''But, Grandma, '' he protested, ''next weekend you'll be even older!''

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Knitting is a passion for my friend Elizabeth, who is a caregiver for the elderly. When she brings her clients to doctors appointments, she knits while she waits. Recently Elizabeth showed me a gorgeous scarf she'd made.

''How long does something like that take?'' I asked.

''About one stress test and one colonoscopy," she estimated

major rd update xD

WATSSUP MY NIGGA,JOKER SAMUEL IN THE HOUSE!!

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient." "OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me. I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."


ok this is dam stupid -.-

Dan:Look!!Look!!Look what I found!!!No wait...Look what I took credit for finding!! ^^

If all lawyer are like these... who needs them..!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY:
Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight..
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you beganthe autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


xD xP Cheers!!!!!!

first update in months(literally)

there was once a tribe chief who had some gastric problems

chief: no fart. doctor. medicine.
boy: aye

boy arrives at doctor.

boy:big chief. no fart
doctor: tell ur chief to take these medicine and come back in a month.

1 month later

boy:big chief. no fart
doctor: here's some stronger medicine. come back in a month

another 1 month later

boy:big chief. no fart
doctor:here's the strongest medicine i have. come back in a YEAR.

1 year later

boy:

"big fart. no chief."

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"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis"-longest word in a dictionary o.0

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a vulture was ran over while feasting on a dead carcass.
mum: oh my! thats so horrible!
boy: well, you are what you eat.

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Three men are sitting in the waiting room of a hospital. A nurse walks over to the first one and says, "Congratulations. You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," he says. "I work for Twin Towers Bank."

A while later, the nurse comes out to congratulate the second man. "You are the proud father of triplets," she tells him.
"That's funny," says the new dad. "I work for AAA."

The third expectant father jumps up, a look of terror on his face, and runs for the door.
"Sir, where are you going?" the nurse calls out.
He yells over his shoulder, "I work for 10,000 Auto Parts!"

first joke a bit long- i hand typed it =.=

Man to his wife: "The bad news is that we owe $100, 000 in university loans for the kids, a month's salary in back taxes, and our retirement fund is sinking."Wife: "What's the good news?"Husband: "Our identity has been stolen."

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My five-year-old, Katie, asked what I did at work. I explained that part of my job in the research lab was experimenting with mice and rats. Weeks later, at a school function, Katie's teacher expressed interest in my job. ''The children were describing where their parents work, '' she chuckled, ''and Katie told us that her mum works for rats.''

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Each morning I do a mad dash to drop my son off at daycare so I can get to work on time.
How impatient I had become hit home one morning when Tyler piped up from the back of the car, ''Our car is really fast and everyone else's is slow because they're all idiots, right, Mum?''

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"Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" the teacher asked her Year Seven students.

Everyone but John raised a hand to answer."Do you know, John?" she asked.

"Dammit, I don't know and I don't care!" the boy yelled, arms crossed. "Stop asking me stupid questions."

Upset, the teacher kept John after class and called his father for a conference."What's the problem?" John's dad asked when he arrived.

"Why is my son in detention?"

"I asked John who killed Abe Lincoln and he cursed and said he didn't know and didn't care, and told me to stop asking him questions," she said.

Furious with his son, the man grabbed John by the collar.

"What's your problem, son?" he shouted. "If you killed the man, just say so."