JOKES GALORE!!!

2009-06-12T07:12:00.000-07:00

-Dan- Lol??This blog dead arh?Nvm...Lemme brighten it up!!!

TALES FROM IMH

Record I
Patient A: "So how.. this book not bad ya?"
Patient B: "Excellent! Astounding work. Nononsense shit, sharp and concise to the point. But there's a major flaw inthis piece of art too many character names to remember!!!"
Nurse: "Hey! Can the two of you..put thetelephone book back to the original place?"

Record II
One doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut oneof your ear off, what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."
Doctor: "Hmm.. that's normal...So if I were to cut your other ear off,what will happen t o you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to see..."
The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why wouldyou not see then???"
Patient: "Because my spectacles will drop down..."

Record III
IMH has an old lady who wears black everyday, carriesa black umbrella and squats @ the entrance to the IMH everyday without fail, rain or shine.The doctor wanted to administer treatment for her and decided to start by understanding her behaviour. So, the doctor also wear black and carries a black umbrella;squatted outside together just next to her, rain or shine,everyday without fail.So as...days goes by...the two of them squattedside-by-side w/o a single exchange of words.. for one solid month...One fine day..the old lady finally broke the silenceand asked the doctor: "Err...Excuse me! Are you also a mushroom?"

Record IV (be best)
A nurse saw a patient writing a letter.. She gotcurious and went to take a peek.. But the patient didn't wanna let her see.
Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who areyou writing to?"
Patient : "I'm writing a letter to myself..."
Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone write a letter to himself?)
So she asked again: "So...what's written inside?"
Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ah? I haven't receive the letter, how would I know??"

Record V
Two patients escape from the IMH. They climbed up a tree and one of them fell from the tree and started rolling on the ground. After a while, the patient rolling shouted to the top:"
Hey! How come you are not coming down yet?"
The patient ontop replied:
"No..no...I can't...I'm not ripe yet"

Record VI
One patient visited the doctor: "Doc...how? I think I'm a chicken since I was born..."
Doctor: "Woah! that's very serious...Why do you only come and seek treatment now?"
Patient: "Because my family needs me to hatch the eggs..."

Record VII (Prefect)
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home after unloading the stuff. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix on the newtyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.The truck driver was very sad as he can't fished the boltsup; started t o panick.Coincidentally, one patient walk past and asked thedriver what happened.The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do,he told the patient the whole incident.The patient nonchantly replied:
"can't even fix such asimple problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."
And he goes on explaining:
"You just have to take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Drive to the nearest workshop andreplace the missing ones"
The driver was very impressed and asked"You're so smart but why do you stay in IMH?"
Patient replied: "I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
______________________________________________________________

Hmm hmm hmm..Enjoy ^^

2009-03-21T21:43:00.001-07:00

as requested by dan =.= rd jokes. courtesy of http://www.rdasia.com

I have a room in my house, full of mirrors. Sometimes I go there to reflect.

======================================================

Pessimist: ''My glass is half empty.''
Optimist: ''My glass is half full.''
Corporate-downsizing consultant: ''Looks like we've got twice as much glass as we need here.''

======================================================

Butch, our dog, hated taking his medicine for worms. After a lot of trial and error, my father eventually figured out the simplest way to get it into him: blow it down Butch's throat with something called a pill tube.
So Dad put the large tablet in one end of the tube, forced the reluctant dog's jaws open and poked the other end into his mouth. Then, just as my father inhaled to blow, Butch coughed.
A startled look appeared on Dad's face. He opened his eyes wide and swallowed hard. "I think I've just been de-wormed," he gasped.

======================================================

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup. "I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

======================================================

According to the National Sleep Foundation, 75 per cent of adults say they have problems sleeping. The poll used a random sample of 1506 adults who were called in the middle of the night.

======================================================

One afternoon my mother went shopping and returned a few hours later with ten new dresses.
"Ten!" Dad hollered. "What could any woman possibly want with ten new dresses?"
Mum replied in a calm voice: "Ten new pairs of shoes."

======================================================

Vinegar gets a lot of use in our home. I use it for laundry, for cleaning, and we normally eat salad dressed with plain olive oil and vinegar. One day I arrived home to find my eight-year-old son, Jason, scrubbing a very slippery floor. "Did you put vinegar in the water?" I asked him.
"Yes," he replied, "and I threw in some oil, too."

======================================================

My ten-year-old grandson, Jeffrey, called to ask if he and his cousin could sleep over at our house. ''Not this weekend, Jeffrey, '' I told him. ''I'm getting old.''

''But, Grandma, '' he protested, ''next weekend you'll be even older!''

======================================================

Knitting is a passion for my friend Elizabeth, who is a caregiver for the elderly. When she brings her clients to doctors appointments, she knits while she waits. Recently Elizabeth showed me a gorgeous scarf she'd made.

''How long does something like that take?'' I asked.

''About one stress test and one colonoscopy," she estimated

major rd update xD

WATSSUP MY NIGGA,JOKER SAMUEL IN THE HOUSE!!

2009-03-11T07:18:00.000-07:00

WATSSUP MY NIGGA,JOKER SAMUEL IN THE HOUSE!!

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient." "OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me. I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."

ok this is dam stupid -.-

2009-03-06T23:22:00.001-08:00

Dan:Look!!Look!!Look what I found!!!No wait...Look what I took credit for finding!! ^^

If all lawyer are like these... who needs them..!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY:
Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight..
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you beganthe autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

xD xP Cheers!!!!!!

2009-02-21T01:51:00.001-08:00

first update in months(literally)

there was once a tribe chief who had some gastric problems

chief: no fart. doctor. medicine.
boy: aye

boy arrives at doctor.

boy:big chief. no fart
doctor: tell ur chief to take these medicine and come back in a month.

1 month later

boy:big chief. no fart
doctor: here's some stronger medicine. come back in a month

another 1 month later

boy:big chief. no fart
doctor:here's the strongest medicine i have. come back in a YEAR.

1 year later

boy:

"big fart. no chief."

=============================

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis"-longest word in a dictionary o.0

==========================

a vulture was ran over while feasting on a dead carcass.
mum: oh my! thats so horrible!
boy: well, you are what you eat.

==========================

Three men are sitting in the waiting room of a hospital. A nurse walks over to the first one and says, "Congratulations. You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," he says. "I work for Twin Towers Bank."

A while later, the nurse comes out to congratulate the second man. "You are the proud father of triplets," she tells him.
"That's funny," says the new dad. "I work for AAA."

The third expectant father jumps up, a look of terror on his face, and runs for the door.
"Sir, where are you going?" the nurse calls out.
He yells over his shoulder, "I work for 10,000 Auto Parts!"

first joke a bit long- i hand typed it =.=

2009-01-24T20:21:00.000-08:00

some jokes thanks to some GIRL that sent to someone:)

(1) Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin. Mom asked 'How do you know?' Girl replied 'Last night when we made love, his cock was still inplastic cover.'

(2) Bangladesh Worker: 'Sir, me no come to work, me sick.'Boss: ' When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it.' 2 hours later Bangladesh Worker: 'Boss! It worked! Me ok now. You gotnice house.'

(3) After sex, Thai girl kept fondling man's cock.Man asked: 'Why? Want to have sex again?'Thai Girl replied: 'No lah, just admiring your cock. I used to have one before.'

(4) Women's lives are hard. Morning wash clothes. Noon hang clothes.Evening keep clothes. Nite iron clothes.Midnight take off clothes. After midnight find clothes.

(5) To make it straight she pulls it. To make it stand she rubs it. To make it stiff she licks it. To let it in she pushes it. True?Threading a needle is not easy.

(6) Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:'Anyone got a cock?' All men rose.'I meant anyone seen a cock?' All women rose. 'I mean anyone seen my cock?' All nuns rose.

(7) A Sad story. A woman's husband died & she had him cremated.She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said' Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you.'

(8) Girl: 'Mom what is a penis?'Mom: 'When you become a good girl you will get one.'Girl: 'But mom what if I am not a good girl?'Mom: 'Then you will get many!'

(9) A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:'If I give you $3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?'Secretary: 'Everything sir! Dress, Bra and Panties.'

(10) Schoolgirl: 'I do not want to take the sex Education class.'Teacher: 'Why?'Schoolgirl: 'Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral.'

(11) Two sperms talking on mobile. Ist: 'I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus. Are you closeby?'2nd: 'No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing thetonsils.'

(12) Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a PENIS. This is because it can be lifted up even by a simple thought

2009-01-19T05:53:00.000-08:00

Man to his wife: "The bad news is that we owe $100, 000 in university loans for the kids, a month's salary in back taxes, and our retirement fund is sinking."Wife: "What's the good news?"Husband: "Our identity has been stolen."

========================================

My five-year-old, Katie, asked what I did at work. I explained that part of my job in the research lab was experimenting with mice and rats. Weeks later, at a school function, Katie's teacher expressed interest in my job. ''The children were describing where their parents work, '' she chuckled, ''and Katie told us that her mum works for rats.''

========================================

Each morning I do a mad dash to drop my son off at daycare so I can get to work on time.
How impatient I had become hit home one morning when Tyler piped up from the back of the car, ''Our car is really fast and everyone else's is slow because they're all idiots, right, Mum?''

========================================

"Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" the teacher asked her Year Seven students.

Everyone but John raised a hand to answer."Do you know, John?" she asked.

"Dammit, I don't know and I don't care!" the boy yelled, arms crossed. "Stop asking me stupid questions."

Upset, the teacher kept John after class and called his father for a conference."What's the problem?" John's dad asked when he arrived.

"Why is my son in detention?"

"I asked John who killed Abe Lincoln and he cursed and said he didn't know and didn't care, and told me to stop asking him questions," she said.

Furious with his son, the man grabbed John by the collar.

"What's your problem, son?" he shouted. "If you killed the man, just say so."

2009-01-07T04:58:00.000-08:00

LIFE'S LIKE THAT

Yeah...I noticed...There are loads of cases of drug addicts nowadays...Anyone wanna wonder why?No...Its not because drugs are easily get(But good reason though).The real reason is...

ALL OF THE ANTI-DRUG SLOGANS!!!!

Suprised?Don't be..Noticed how that people nowadays prefer to do what that is forbidden?

I mean...The more anti-drug slogans I see,the more I wanna try drugs...I know that's stupid but,human nature is like that...Haha...Till next time,I'll bring out more facts of life and view them in a different light.Chiaoz!!!

2009-01-06T05:44:00.001-08:00

ok some pictures the first one originally by dan adapted by me

actually only 2 but the first is worth copying and printing and pasting at the front of EVERY class.

2009-01-05T00:20:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah...I saw this cool sign once some where..Had me bluffed if I didn't saw bullet holes all over the signs...Knocked me off being crazy for sometime...

NO TRESPASSING
TRESPASSERS WILL THE SHOT
SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN =)

Makes you wanna think about those poor idiots who failed to follow the signs....

I pay my respects to those you proved that follow signs always saves your life.No matter how crazy the sign is.........XIII

2009-01-01T23:45:00.000-08:00

my first post since 24th november rofl.

foreigner died and went to heaven. unhappy with his death he confronted st. peter

"I WANT TO BE REVIVED"

st. peter then replied,"you cant, this is heaven"

the foreigner then shouted,"let me be revived or i will haunt u in heaven!"

after thinking through for a moment st. peter thought to himself,"i will make this VERY difficult for him. hehehehe."

so he told the foreigner,"i will let u be revived only if u can do wad i tell u to."

the foreigner nodded his head and agreed

st. peter then said,"i wan you to think of a sentence with green pink n yellow in it."

the foreigner though very hard and said,"one day the phone went 'Green' 'Green'. then i 'Pink' it up and said,' Yellow?'"

"..."

=.= so long

2008-11-24T06:55:00.000-08:00

so sian gonna post 1 joke after a loooong loooong time xD i love this joke though

One fine day, Little Johnny decided to make a time machine.

after a while he told himself

"im gonna make this time machine"

"then teleport myself to yesterday"

"bring myself to tomorrow"

"and skip this damned task!"

rofl!!!!

2008-11-07T02:24:00.000-08:00

one joke nia i lazy post xD

a man was stranded on an island with a pig n a boarhound.

he was living very well as the island was plentiful with food.

but after a few years, he starts to get lonely. he wants to have a wife to cuddle up to in bed

so lonely,in fact, that the pig even looks attractive. but every time h makes an advance towards the pig, the boarhound would snarl and charge him.

a few months later, the man spotted a speck on the horizon and swam towards it with all his might.

upon reaching it, he found out that the speck was actually a boat with a VERY beautiful lady unconcious in it.

the man brought the lady to the island and when she woke up

she said,"oh how could i ever repay u? u are my saviour! name any favour and i will do it for u!"

the man considers for a moment and says,"can u take the boarhound for a walk?"

ROFLMFAO!!!>.< xD

2008-11-05T22:14:00.001-08:00

hmmz. dan i agree with u =.=
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU X3HATRED?

A guy wanted to go to the airport.

passing the petrol station, he asked the attendant for directions.

he asked,"which is the fastest way to the airport?"

the attendant then asked him,"are you driving or walking?"

"driving"

"thats definitely the fastest way"

===========================================

2008-10-31T02:06:00.000-07:00

I was sprawled on the living-room couch watching my favourite show on the food network when my husband walked in.

"why do you watch those food shows?"he asked. "you don't even cook."

Glaring back at him, I asked, "then why do you watch football?"

====================================

following my husband's physical exam, the doctor delivered some bad news.

"your white blood cells are elevated," he said.

what does that mean?"i asked.

Looking concerned, the doctor explained, "Up."

==================================

i was standing behind 2 old women when a very scruffy teenager strolled past.
one lady turned to the other and said

"that's Nigel. i overheard his mum saying that he was taking up hang-gliding."

"good lord,: replied the other. "the birds will think the scarecrows are coming up after them."

funny funny funny

2008-10-24T05:24:00.000-07:00

another one joke post

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick, and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

roflmfao

2008-10-23T05:06:00.000-07:00

one joke post =)

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself ashe ran home and started to tell his mother.

'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

HAHA

2008-10-20T05:33:00.000-07:00

LONG TIME NO POST LOL!!!! DEAD BLOG!!! STUPID DAN!!!

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and
found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Jones?" he
asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. My wife decided
to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let me down, I swam across the river
(look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson's helicopter, sky-dived on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously
disappointed.

"No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

================================================

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

===========================================

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

"Sorry, it's not really your fault."the driver replied, "Today is my first day as a cab driver -

I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

=============================================

Married life is frustrating.

The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the lawyers listen.

================================================

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, WHY THE HELL DID I INVITE ALL THESE PEOPLE FOR DINNER?!?!"

===================================================

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

==========================================

A teacher asks her class,"If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.?

========================================

Sign Language

Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

After receiving His son`s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

wow quite a long update!!!

byes!

2008-10-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

somemore pics for ur enjoyment

2008-10-06T05:29:00.000-07:00

Dan: I SUCKS! Dotz.....Pictures for your enjoyment ><

2008-09-19T05:44:00.000-07:00

Darth Vader Vs Japanese Police!!!

2008-09-17T05:38:00.000-07:00

some more videos.... damn samuel im dead from laughing..

muahaha ROFLMFAO!!!!

2008-09-12T23:29:00.001-07:00

i think im gonna get sued for posting this but who cares man here's a series of vid on hitler!

this is abt ERP

this is abt his stolen car

this is abt WoW

this is abt xbox live

o god that was so funny i ROFLMAO!!!

2008-09-12T05:37:00.000-07:00

long time no update le cos lazy online =))

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's day-light robbery!! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest says.

===================================

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

=====================================

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?

Son: Just a radio, dad, with a ferrari around it.

k la i think i goin to get scolded le bb

2008-09-09T05:23:00.000-07:00

some videos most of u shud already have watched =)

check this video out those moves GOTTA hurt man...

Mr faizal my SS teacher showed tis to us ROFLMAO

tis is some video about lee kuan yew i think

k go le xD

2008-09-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

my mum block my internet so no more jokes in the mean time... 1 picture courtesy of samuel!

COOOOOOOOLLL!!!!!!

2008-09-02T04:21:00.000-07:00

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

===================================

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the man says, "I can guess your age."

The woman doesn't believe her, but tells him to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your skirt," he says.

She doesn't understand but does it anyway. he inspects her rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the woman says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

p.s. ultimate scammer EWWW!!!

=============================

One day John went to school to learn about logic. He approached the professor and asked,
"Sir, what is logic?". The professor explained what logic was but John didnt get it. So the professor gave him an example by asking, "John, do you have gardening tools?"
John: "Yes"
Prof: "By using logic, I can assume that you have a garden right?"
John: "Correct"
Prof: "Knowing that you have a garden, I can again assume that you have a home right?"
John: "Right!"
Prof: "Ok, now using logic again, I can again assume that you have a wife."
John: "Wow, so thats whats logic's all about!"

While on his way home, he saw Burt. John wanted to show his new knowledge.
John: "Burt, do you have gardening tools?"
Burt: "None."
John: "Then you're gay.."

p.s. dun understand then read again

======================

Q: What is the difference between stress, tension and panic?
A: Stress = wife is pregnant
Tension= girlfriend is pregnant
Panic = when both are pregnant.

==========================

A little girl asked her mother how the humans appeared.
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all men was made."

Two days later, the girl asked the same question but this time, to the father.
The father answered, "Many years ao, there were monkeys from which the human evolved.

Confused with the different answers, the little girl consulted her mother asking, "Mom, how is it possible that the human race was created by God and that Dad said we evolved from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family while Dad told his."

===========================

A young and attractive student comes to a professor's office during school hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully
into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"*Anything*."

His voice softens. "*Anything*??"

"*Anything*."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

========================

loved these jokes XD

2008-09-01T05:07:00.000-07:00

A drunk was in front of a judge.

The judge said, "You've been brought here for drinking."

The drunk said, "Okay, let's get started!"

==============================

A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!"

The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?"

The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"

================================

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

========================

Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with
your hands in someone's mouth.
"Dentist: "I just think of it as having my
hands in their wallet."

=======================

A man calls into the police station and says,

"My wife is missing."The officer asks,

"How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream,

then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

=============================

i have no idea who sadarji is. lol thats all

2008-08-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

small pics update =)

not feeling good today =(

2008-08-28T05:21:00.000-07:00

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that.
For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

================================

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.

The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.'

The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.

So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.

The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought that jackass would jump again!!!Sheeeesh!!!'

P.S. someone's not gonna be happy XD

==================================

*boys go to his first church day, then comes home after*

Boy: Dad? is God a man or a woman?

Dad: *trying not to b sexist* Humm... I think he's both.

Boy: Dad? is God a black or a white?

Dad: *trying not to b racist* Umm.. I think he's both.

Boy: Dad? is God Michael Jackson?

NO OFFENSE!!!

2008-08-27T05:22:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it.

Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women, you can stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men - U may keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

**** Women, if you have read this too... stop reading here, this is REALLY the end of the joke.

**** Men U may Keep scrolling down

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:

WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!!! and always think they're the only perfect being in this world.

=========================

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

========================

Friend: What are you looking at?
Dumbass: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Dumbass: four asterisks!

========================

An idiot was plugging dollar after dollar into the coke machine at a large Vegas casino. he kept punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other, and change too!

After a while, he ran out of dollar bills so went and got more. Back at it he went, blocking the way to the other vending machines with the mounting pile of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the young lady.

People were starting to gather, seeing this guy enthusiastically plugging money in like it was fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their turn at the machines.

After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of the group, 'Hey, how many soda do u need?'

'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm winning here?'

==============================

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.

He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

============================

Two guys were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying
like hell. So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"

Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid?"

First one replied, "No, not that. During the blood test they cut
my finger"

Hearing this the second one started crying very loudly. The first
one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."

==================================

A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"

God answered: "A million years is like a minute."

Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."

Finally, the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"

And God said, "In a minute."

==================================

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

2008-08-26T05:12:00.000-07:00

lol today feeling good so update 2 times muahahaha!!!

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old."No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crapevery morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

===================================

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant askedJohn, seated in front."What are my choices?" John asked."Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departuregate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window."I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam."Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it,no other excuses whatsoever!"A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that Reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

ok the last 2nd is gross...

==============================

Kathleen's pregnant mother was about to give birth.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

============================

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just peed my diaper."

============================

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man ofthis house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'The wife replied, 'The mortician would be my first guess.'....

=============================

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.."Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...""Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you.""Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?""Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?""Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!""Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.""My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith."Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.""Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said."Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat."And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.""She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith."Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look""Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement."Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?""It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.""Tripod?""Oh yes, Ma'am.. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."Mrs. Smith fainted

P.S.(danial) DAN I FOUND IT!!! I FOUND THIS JOKE!!! ^^ LOL

=================================

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL)

.It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us forthe past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do.. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

LOL expected a dirty ending for tis XD

============================

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!' What an exuberant cheerleaderhe was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middlefinger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

ok la end of post XD

2008-08-26T03:32:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Quantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

=======================

If the opposite of "pro" is "con", what's the opposite of "progress"?

=========================

Scientific Philosophies

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.

==========================

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!''

You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!'

LOL bb gtg!!

2008-08-25T07:10:00.000-07:00

Dan:MORE POSTERS FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT!!!!(I'm updating this more than my own blog...LOL)

2008-08-25T05:45:00.000-07:00

LOL found these on the web enjoy! ROFLMAO!!!!

Check this out!!

2008-08-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

Is Windows A Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly – okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so – okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk – okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. – Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. – Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It’s a bug.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God will save me

One day a man fell out of a boat and started to drown.

A boat comes along, “Do you need any help.”

The man replies “no. god will save me.”

Another boat comes along.

“do you need any help”

“no. god will save me”

Another boat comes along.

“do you need any help”

“no. god will save me”

He finally drowns and goes to heaven.

He asks god “Why didn’t you save me?”

God says “I sent you 3 big boats you stupid!!

Bwahhh hahhahhahha XD

2008-08-22T01:30:00.000-07:00

Dan:Found a couple of Motivational Posters for you people needing a kick in life...Well,enjoy!!!

2008-08-20T04:48:00.000-07:00

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.

"Freeckin Jaysus" says the attendant, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".

=============================

A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics?'

The father says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People. The Maid, we will consider her The Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him The Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his father has said.Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diapers. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Maid's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father making love with the Maid. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,'

The father says, 'Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies. 'The Prime Minister is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit.'

tis owned

===============================

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of politicians.
They called down to ground control with their list ofdemands and added that if their demands weren't met,
they would release one politician every hour.

=============================

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!'

=============================

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears.

"You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

==============================

little boy comes home from first grade and tells his father that he learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "As Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get angry at me for giving someone a valentine?"

The father thinks for a moment and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," the boy says.

"Why Osama ," his father asks in disbelief. "

Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd jump with joy. And then he'd go all over and tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Father's heart swells and he looks at his son with newfound pride and joy. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."

thats all haha

2008-08-18T05:32:00.000-07:00

update!!

what teachers really mean.

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

==================================

Idiots tried hunting

Three idiots decide to go hunting.

The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."

So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."

So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

=============================

Teacher, "Class, lesson is starting."
Student, "Teacher, I wanna sh*t."
Teacher, "Can't you speak it in a more civilised manner?"
Student, "Teacher, my butt feels like vomiting."

==============================

Soldier: Sir, we are surrounded by the enemies.
Major Dumb: Excellent ! We can now attack in any direction !.

==============================

John answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

John says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

WTF??

==============================

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

==============================

Adult to kid: "When is your birthday?"
kid: "28th January."
Adult: "Which year?"
kid: "Every year."

================================

The maker dosen't need it,
The buyer dosen't use it,
The user uses it without knowing.
WHAT IS IT?

ans: coffin =P

k go lioa bb!~~

2008-08-17T01:19:00.000-07:00

Dan:Whooops...No wonder I felt I forgot something...Forgot to update this blog XD Bwahhaha!!!No wonder Mr.Chua Yi Xuan is soo not happy with me XD Okay here's a couple...

Here's a couple =)

Did you hear about the blonde caught dancing at the traffic light?
She thought she was at a disco XD O.o

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
A: Air Pockets

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

Okay...That's all I have!!!Hope you like it!!If not,there's the tiny,red "X" button...Click it...It'll do you good == Okay?Okay?Okay!!!Cya!!Chiaoz!!!!WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Your's crazily,
Dan!!!!!
"Hard work never killed anyone(So far...),but why take the chance?"
(Perfect excuse for you slackers out there...XD)

2008-08-15T05:45:00.000-07:00

updates

oh ya samuel... better dun read this when you're not supposed to..

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna finda fake Jeep?"

===========================

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

===========================

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies.

"Except they won't let you fart."

===================================

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''.

=============================

God made men, everything else is Made in China.

=============================

Success is a relative term.It brings so many relatives.

=============================

"Your future depends on your dreams"So go to sleep

=============================

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

=============================

A blonde walks into a museum, and unsurprisingly, breaks a vase.

Blonde - Ohmygod! I just broke a vase!

Man - Woah! That vase is more than five hundred years old! You are in big trouble...

Blonde - Whew! I thought that vase was new.

=============================

If your father is a poor man,it is your fate but.

if your father-in-law is a poor man,it's your stupidity.

=============================

I was born intelligent..... education ruined me.

=============================

Practice makes perfect.....

But nobody's perfect......

so why practice?

=============================

If it's true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

=============================

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

=============================

Money is not everything.

There's Mastercard & Visa.

super long update!!

2008-08-12T06:35:00.000-07:00

update woots!!!!

A man and his dog walk into a bar.

The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door.

Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

'.....'

==========================

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way....

So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

go liao bb =x

2008-08-11T00:06:00.000-07:00

update with 1 jokes nia =p

It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat.

It so happened that Joe's boat sank on the same day that John's wife died.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said:" I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible."

Joe replied; " Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything.This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! "

THE OLD LADY FAINTED.

OMG so GROSS!!!! =p

2008-08-09T01:15:00.000-07:00

update!! =D
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady.

"You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"

"...."

==========================

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

That's not right! - Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Ha i Ding

See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man - Dum Fuk

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table! - Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! - Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! - Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! - No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! - Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great - Fa Kin Su Pa

small update =))

2008-08-08T02:53:00.000-07:00

pics update =))

2008-08-07T05:12:00.000-07:00

some updates??

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

==================================

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat.

About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.

The message read, "Blame your predecessor." Morris called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.

The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.

Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

=======================

This is a transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian officials off the coast of Newfoundland in october 1995

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Continue your course at your own risk.

OMG THESE MADE ME ROFLMAO!!!!!!

2008-08-05T05:48:00.001-07:00

hey hey UPDATE lol thankss ppl for reading my(and dan's) jokes blog and leaving ur positive comment!!!

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

=================================

during a math test, The answer to a problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)"

====================

k BYE ALLL

2008-07-28T05:31:00.001-07:00

wa long time no update see why in my other blog =x

One day a mother borned a child that is so ugly...

Mother: "He is such a treasure.."

Father: "Yeah.. Let's bury him."

=======================

Dumbass 1: "Hey you!! Why are you washing your face at the toilet bowl?!"

Dumbass 2: "Why the water's clear... and it looks clean!"

Dumbass 1: "Thats not why... I drink there and you will rinse your face there?!"

==========================

Grandpa: "Can you fetch some ice cream from the freezer?"

Grandma: "Sure"

Grandpa: "Dont be forgetful again, Get me ICE CREAM ok!?"

Grandma: "Yes I will, If you want I'll get your favorite flavored ice cream.. Vanilla.."

Grandpa: "OK"

Grandma: "Here. Heres the hotdog"

Grandpa: "Damn you! you're so forgetful! You are just too old..."

Grandma: "What??"

Granpa: "You forgot the ketchup.."

kk peace out man

2008-07-16T06:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, Tim and Alen were taking a walk down the park. It was a sunny day and the birds were chirping.

Then suddenly Tim falls on the ground and starts to shake.

Alen is in shock, but then quickly whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

Once the operator picks up he says “Help me! Help me!”

The operator responds: “Okay, Breath , than tell me what happened.” She said.

Alen breaths in, then he gasps and blurts out

“MY FRIEND IS DEAD!”

And the operator responds "Okay, First make sure he’s dead.”

“-------”

There was silence on the phone, then the operator heard a gunshot.

“Okay now what?” Alen said.

=====================================

There was a blonde driving down the road one day.

She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde,

“What do you think you’re doing? It’s things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your butt!”

end of update... short one haha

The speed of dark

2008-07-15T05:56:00.001-07:00

Dan:Hmm...Just a small update here XD

The speed of dark is proportional to the speed of light.
How fast light tries to run away from dark,
That's how fast dark will try to catch up XD

Like I said....Its a small update XD

2008-07-14T05:08:00.000-07:00

Top 20 Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery
1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
2. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
3. Hand me that…uh…that uh…thingie.
4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
5. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
6. There go the lights again…
7. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys…and this guy’s got two of ‘em.”
8. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
9. Could you stop that thing from beating, it’s throwing my concentration off.
10. Sterile, schmerile. The floor’s clean, right?
11. What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?
12. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
13. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
14. What do you mean “You want a divorce!”
15. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.
17. Oh, look everyone. It’s lunch time.
18. The foot bone’s connected to the, leg bone…
19. That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
20. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise.

================================

WORDS OF WISDOM!!!
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

CHECK THIS PICS OUT!!!

2008-07-11T08:06:00.000-07:00

Dan: XD Omg!!!This is sooo retarded!! XD

Some of my jokes XD(Plz dun be offended)

2008-07-10T06:17:00.000-07:00

Dan:Hello!!!Its time of Dan's jokes!!I'm here to provide laughter at other people's expense XD
Here at a couple of topics I will cover XD:
Dumb blonde jokes
Yo Mama jokes
Etc.
XD

Here's a couple for starters XD

Did you hear about the blonde who was using her camera backwards?
Apperently,her act was caught on film XD

Q: What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Q: What did the blonde do when she locked her keys in her car?
A: She had to break a window to get out!

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
---------------------Enough Blonde jokes XD Now its Your Mama time!! XD--------------------
Your mama's soo ugly,people dress as her for Halloween

Your mama's soo fat,when I try driving around her,I ran out of gas.

Your mama's soo stupid,she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Your mama's soo fat that shecan't even fit this joke.

Your mama's soo fat that when I climbed over her,I gave God a high-5.

Your mama's soo old that she was there when fire was found.

Your mama's soo stupid,she asked me the number to "999"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's all folks for now XD Hope you enjoyed them.If not,that's your problem XD
Dan signing off XD Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee XD

Dan
Member of the Dark EonZ
"Hard work never killed anyone,but why take the chance?"-Dan XD

2008-07-08T05:17:00.000-07:00

another update.. haha..

NoStudy=Fail-------(1)
Study=NoFail-------(2)
(1)+(2):
NoStudy+Study= NoFail+Fail
(No+1)Study=(No+1)Fail
Study=Fail
Tada...
courtesy of Dark Eonz
==============================

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

15. User Error: Replace user.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

lol short update..

2008-07-02T00:16:00.000-07:00

update update update!!!

A lonely frog consults a fortune teller and is told not to worry.

"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl" she says, "and she'll want to know everything about you."

"That's great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"

"Next semester in biology class"

============================

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go runningbehind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.

This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

........ AND WHAT WERE YOU.... THINKING????

===================================

The IRS decides to audit Roger, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Roger shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Roger. "How about a demonstration?"The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Roger says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Roger removes his glass eye and bites it.The auditor's jaw drops.

Roger says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Roger isn't blind, so he takes the bet.Roger removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Roger's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Roger asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Roger stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Roger's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney.

"This morning, when Roger told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

ownage!

2008-06-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

wa long time no update... here's one

At a funeral this is bad manners......
Child (in a loud voice): Mom!!!
Mom (whisper): Yes???
Child: What's in the box???

=====================================
Covered with swellings and bruises, a man staggers into a hospital..

"Whatever happened to you?" asks the doctor.

"A swan bumped into me..."

"What?"

"After that a UFO hit me."

"Strange things happen to you."

"That’s nothing, afterwards an angel hit me on the head."

"Go on, I’m all ears!"

"After that they finally stopped the merry-go-round!"

=====================================

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England.

“How did you enjoy it?” the guide asked when it was over.

“It was great,” the girl replied, “but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways.”

“No need to worry,” said the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost in all the time I’ve been here.”

“How long is that?” she asked.

“Oh, about 300 years.”

============================

Flying to a tourist spot for a long weekend, a couple of friends were an hour into the trip when the flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
“The pilot has just informed me that we’ve lost an engine. There’s no need for alarm, though. We have three engines left, and we’ll just be an hour late.”

About another hour into the flight she made another announcement.

“We’ve lost another engine. Don’t worry. We still have two more, but we’ll be another hour late.”

One guy turned to his friend and said, “Man, if we lose the other two engines, we’ll be up here all day.”

yawn go ZZZ le

2008-06-13T22:55:00.000-07:00

figured since i have jokes, i shud have pics.. enjoy!!!

2008-06-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

====================================================

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it.

You aren't the first medical practitionerto sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single.

Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back toreality.

Whispering......

Dave.......

Dave........

Dave............

you're a vet....

========================================

Koos was walking through his veld one day when he spots someone drinking water from a pool.

He shouts,

"Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap kak". (Don't drink that water its full of sheep shit)

The other guy says, "I'm from England mate, speak English!"

Koos replies, "Use both hands, you get more that way".

========================================

3 minute management course

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird d singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.
LOL that was funny

2008-06-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by. There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them. The old dog lifts it's hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.

One of the old men says to the other, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."

After a short pause, the other old man says, "Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!"

===========================================================

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

===========================================

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

=============================================

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,

“Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

================================================

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently.

He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom.

When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean."

The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it.

So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole.

Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.

==================================

Two people are walking through a graveyard when they hear a wierd chiselingsound.

Scared to death they continue walking sticking together when theclinking noise grew even louder.

They are relieved when they find an old manchiseling away at one of the tombstones.

One of them walks up to the oldman and says, "You gave us such a fright mate, we thought you were aghost."

The old man replies, "Dont worry, its those idiotic graveyard wardens,they got my name wrong"..........

2008-05-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

update.....

here's something for those who called my blog racist=)

A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."

The black man turned around and stood up.

He then said:"When I was born I was black,"

"When I grew up I was black,"

"When I'm sick I'm black,"

"When I go in the sun I'm black,"

"When I'm cold I'm black,"

"When I die I'll be black."

"But you sir..."

"When you're born you're pink,"

"When you grow up you're white,"

"When you're sick, you're green,"

"When you go in the sun you turn red,"

"When you're cold you turn blue,"

"And when you die you turn purple."

"And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

==============================================

Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by. There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them. The old dog lifts it's hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.
One of the old men says to the other, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."
After a short pause, the other old man says, "Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!"
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
===========================================
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

=============================================

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me
get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,

“Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

================================================

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently.

He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom.

When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean."

The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that.
So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it.

So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole.

Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.

==================================

Two people are walking through a graveyard when they hear a wierd chiselingsound.

Scared to death they continue walking sticking together when theclinking noise grew even louder.

They are relieved when they find an old manchiseling away at one of the tombstones.

One of them walks up to the oldman and says, "You gave us such a fright mate, we thought you were a ghost."

The old man replies, "Dont worry, its those idiotic graveyard wardens,they got my name wrong"..........

HAHA hope u liked that

2008-05-26T23:58:00.000-07:00

lol got another update and hope u all like it!!!

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

===========================================

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

==========================================

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said."The sharks got 'em."

=============================================

Below are four (4) questions.You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready?
GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question: You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer:If you answered that you are first, then youare absolutely wrong! If you overtake the secondperson and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to mess up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer:If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth?

Answer:Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

lol u guys are really bad at this...... XDXDXDXD

2008-05-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

anybody thr? yawn.... UPDATE!!! LOL

To all Employees:
With effect from Effective January 2007,

*Dress Code*
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you aredoing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, sothat you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and thereforeyou do not need a pay raise.
*Sick Days*We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

*Holiday Days*Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are calledSaturday & Sunday.

*Compassionate Leave*This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deadfriends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to havenon-employees attend to the arrangements.In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should bescheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to workthrough your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early

*Toilet Use*
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now astrict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper rollwill retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the companynotice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under thecompany's mental health policy.

*Lunch Break*1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so thatthey can look healthy.2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal tomaintain their average figure.3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time neededto drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer ofchoice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere

*Management*
=================================================

Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator:"Could you please tell me the time difference betweenTaipei and Las Vegas?"Operator: "Just a minute……"Ah Beng: "Thank You," and puts down the phone.

=======================================================

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tellsthe bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and hiscompanion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU,SIR?"Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

=======================================================

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working onquite for some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off thefinished puzzle to a friend."It took me ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Beng brags."FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG," the friend exclaims."YOU ARE A FOOL."Ah Beng replies," NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTENFOR 4-7YRS, LEH!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng took part in a ManhuntCompetition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks,"Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!"Others exclaim, "No it's Grape Juice!"Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"Host: "Quiet please."Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena beforereplying, "C'mon man, you think I need your help? Igot more original answer: Guni!"(cow milk in Hokkien).

=======================================================

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was usingit when he encountered some problems. He decided touse the 'Help' command.After some tries, he became irritated and called thecomputer retailer for support.Ah Beng:" I pressed the 'F1' key for help…but it'sbeen over half an hour and still nobody has came tohelp me???"Computer Retailer:...............

=======================================================

Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home, wasannoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote breakingoff their engagement and asking for her photographback. He went out and collected from his friends allthe unwanted photographs of women that he could find,bundled them all together and sent them to her with anote stating the following:"Regret cannot remember which one isyou...............please keep your photo and return the others."

=======================================================

Once Ah Beng , Ah Seng and Ah Lian went for dinner atthe Compass Rose at the top of the Westin Stamford .After dinner, they went to the lift scanned thebuttons and couldn't find the button for the firstfloor. Ah Beng suggested taking the stairs but Ah Liandecided to press the lift button "G". They foundthemselves on the first ground and Ah Beng remarked,"Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this wasground floor?" Ah Lian replied ," Aiyah so simple youalso dunno! G: stands for gero loh!"

=======================================================

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?Because below 18 was not allowed.

comment and vote plz haha...

2008-05-25T01:48:00.000-07:00

again at aunt's house. im bored, no one comes =(

A Chinese and Steven Spielberg were drunk in a barSpielberg slapped the Chinese.
Chinese: Why?
Spielberg: Because you bombed Pearl Harbor! My father died there!
Chinese: But I'm Chinese! I'm not Japanese!
Spielberg: You fool! Japanese, Vietnamese, Chinese. You're all the same!
The Chinese then punched
SpielbergSpielberg: Why?
Chinese: That's for sinking the Titanic.
Spielberg: But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, stupid!Chinese: iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!

A child was running because he'd be late for class, so he decided to pray.
"God, please help me get to school on time."
As the boy was running, he suddenly got tripped...
"God, don't push me, will ya? Don't get too anxious!"

There was once a child who was praying inside the church, asking God to give him a bicycle.
Child: Lord, please give me a bike!
The next day, the child didn't recieve a bike. So, he decided to go back to the church and pray to God once more
Child: Lord, give me a bike, will ya?
Again, the child's hopes of having a bicycle was to no avail.
The next day, the parish priest noticed that the statuette of the Virgin Mary is missing.
He then saw a letter placed on the altar:
"LORD IF YOU WANT YOUR MOTHER BACK, GIVE ME A BIKE!"

Visitor: How old are you, young man?
Little Boy: Nine, sir.
Visitor: And what are you going to be when you grow up?
Little Boy: Ten, sir?

"You've never even thanked me for making you happyT
hen you threw me away just like that?
I hate you for using me!
I hate you for making my life full of shit!"- Tissue Paper

LOL man looking for more XDXDXD

2008-05-24T02:34:00.000-07:00

backyy.. now at aunt's house.. here's an update

A General goes to the medical camp to instill morale into his sick and wounded soldiers.
Upon entry he sees 3 soldiers sitting there.
He goes up to the first soldier and asks : "Whats wrong with you soldier?"
Soldier 1: " Sir, I have Athletes Foot, Sir!"
General: " What are you doing about it? "
Soldier 1: " Sir, Every morning the priest comes in with the voodoo brush and i rub my foot with it, Sir!"
General: " And what is your goal soldier? "
Soldier 1: " To get well and fight for you Sir!"
Then the General goes to the 2nd soldier and asks: " Soldier whats wrong with you ? "
Soldier 2: " Sir, I have Piles Sir !"
General: " What are you doing about it? "
Soldier 2: " Sir, Every morning the priest comes in with the voodoo brush and i rub my ass with it, Sir!"
General: " And what is your goal soldier? "
Soldier 2: " To get well and fight for you Sir!"
Then the General goes to the 3rd soldier and asks: " Soldier whats wrong with you ? "
Soldier 3: " Sir, I have Tonsillitis Sir !"
General: " What are you doing about it? "
Soldier 3: " Sir, Every morning the priest comes in with the voodoo brush and i rub my throat with it, Sir!"
General: " And what is your goal soldier? "
Soldier 3: " To get the brush before the other 2 soldiers use it Sir!"

3 guys get stranded on an island and get captured by the natives. The natives speak broken english and says: "You Die, or Get Woomba Woomba"
The first guy not knowing what woomba woomba was, says that he'll take woomba woomba so the tribe strips him naked and sodomizes him.
He comes back crying and tells the other 2 guys what woomba woomba was.
The second guy thinks about it and say well he doesnt want to die and he'll take woomba woomba again the entire tribe sodomizes him.
He comes back crying.
The Third guy, with much prides screams out "I rather die!" and the whole tribe replies "Ahh, death by woomba woomba !"

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Thando
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In overtwenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Thando said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been biggerthan the size of an AAA battery.Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won'thappen again. Now ... what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Thando replied.
The doctor fainted

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

LOL............... tag ur comment TY!!!

2008-05-23T22:40:00.000-07:00

more jokes as promised!!!

Mark is made to take position against the wall and the firing squad gets ready to shoot. He shouts "Earthquake!!!". The firing squad panics and Mark escapes by jumping over the wall. Ben was next. He shouted "Tornado!!!" and also made a clean getaway. Last in line was Lucas. Lucas thought "I get it. Just shout out a random disaster and jump over the wall to escape...". The firing squad took aim when Lucas yelled "Fire"..................

Anna: I began my acts of unselfish generosity today. I gave 10 dollars to an absolute no hoper today...Mary: Thats an awful lot of money.....what did your husband say??Anna: He said thanks.....

A blind man is travelling to Texas. He feels the seats of the train and says to the man next to him he says "These seats sure are big" to which the man replies "Everything is bigger in texas". He then checks into is hotel and goes to the bar. He feels the beer glass and says to the bartender "The glasses sure are big" to which the bartender says "Everything is bigger in Texas". The blind man the asks to go to the lavatory.The bartender gave him directions. On the way he takes a wrong turn, slips and falls into the swimming pool. Scared to death he shouts "Dont flush!!!! Dont flush!!!!"....................

A forest ranger is taking a tourist through a forest full of bats. All bats are staring at the tourist hanging upside down from almost all trees. Then suddenly the tourist notices that on 1 of the trees all the bats are sitting upright. The tourist asks the ranger "Why are those bats sitting upright?". The ranger replies "Dont worry.......just the local yoga club.................."

Many people are travelling on a plane........Over the Atlantic the plane loses power......The captain announces "We're losing altitide so we are going to have to throw out the luggage". The passengers agree and all the luggage is thrown out. After a few minutes they lose a second engine, the captain announces "We have just lost another engine...we have to throw out the cabin baggage". So the cabin baggage is also thrown out. Just five minutes later a third engine blows out. The captain announces "We are close to land people, but we have to throw out some passengers too". There is an uproar in the cabin. Undaunted the captain continues "Passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order. A- any asians on board??... no? B - any blacks on board??....no......." Suddenly a little black boy asks his father "Dad, what are we??" His dad replies "Tonight son, we are Zulus................."

getting outta here... talk again.. XDXDXDXD

2008-05-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

all these jokes are courtesy of Train Heartnet XIII A.K.A. danial:

Q: What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Q: What did the blonde do when she locked her keys in her car?
A: She had to break a window to get out!
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut itin six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can understand them.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?
A: She sneezes.
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A. "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: A foursome.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A: Thanks Guys
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: Why did the blonde nurse bring a red marker to work?
A: In case she had to draw blood!
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes.
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q.What are the worst years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
A: Air PocketsQ: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear
Q: How does a blonde kill a worm?A: She burys it.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 99% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been sighted.
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says, “I would like to buy that T.V. please.”
The store clerk replies, “I’m sorry, but we don’t do business with blondes.”
So she angrily leaves the store, goes home, and dyes her hair black.
The next day, she goes back to the same store and says, “I would like to buy that T.V. please.”
The store clerk, once again, replies. “Sorry, we don’t do business with blondes.”
The blonde replis, “How did you know I was blonde?”
The clerk responds, “Because that’s a microwave, not a T.V.”

Blonde Jokes:
Two blondes walk into a building…wouldn’t you think at least one of them would have seen it?

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde dyed her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on. So one day she was driving in the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. She asked a farmer, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"
“Uh, okay, I guess,” said the farmer.
So she quickly counted them and said 247. The farmer looked around astonished and said, "Okay then, go ahead and take one."
As she was walking back to her car the farmer stopped her and asked,” If I can guess your natural hair color can I have my dog back?"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic."Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blonde replies."Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?""Yeah, but he didn't. I was SO RELIEVED when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them. They speed off and eventually crash into the side of a barn. They then quickly jump out of the car and hide under some potato sacks. The cop runs in after them, and the first potato sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, "MEEEEOOOOOOW", and the cop says, "Oh! It's just a stupid cat." He then moves to the potato sack the red-head is under and kicks it. The red-head replies, "WOOF, WOOF", the cop, angry now, says, "STUPID DOG!" Then the cop gets to the potato sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde screams, "POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOO!"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. She starts screaming at the top of her lungs, but the horse doesn't stop, and the blonde continues to be dragged upside down. She is panicked and doesn't know what to do. Finally, the Wal-Mart manager comes out and unplugs it.

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a painter and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any work for her to do."Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50 when he was interrupted…
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Blonde Jokes:
There are 3 women standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything that you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." Poof! She disappeared. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I am the prettiest woman in the world." Poof! She disappeared. Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think..." and poof, she disappeared.

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde starts first grade --
Day 1A blonde comes home from her first day at school and says to her mom,” We learned how to count up to 5 today mommy, but got all the way up to 10!” Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?"
”Yes little one,” replies the mother.Day 2:"We learned how to do the alphabet today mommy. The others only got up to E, but I got all the way up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"”Yes little one,” replies the mother.Day 3:"I think I learned about boobies today mommy. You see, all of the other girls are flat chested but I'm a 40DD. Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?"”No, it’s because you’re 27.”

Blonde Jokes:
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 3 in the morning.The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and screamed,"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?"
And his lovely wife replied, "I don't have any idea who it was. Just some stupid woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear.’”
"Why in the heck would anyone call asking me about the dang weather by the ocean?"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk, and the brunette goes, "Oh look, a dead bird," and the blonde looks up at the sky and goes, "Where?"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says "Well ma'am, I can't cut your hair with those head-phones on. You're going to have to take them off." She shakes her head vigorously and replies "No, if I take them off, I will die."
"That's ridiculous," yells the barber, as he rips the headphones off her head.
But, tragically, she fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised so he picked up the head-phones. All he heard was "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in."

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde visits Washington D.C. for the first time and she wants to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a cop for directions.
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"The officer replis, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 78 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanks the officer and he drives away.Seven hours later the police officer returns to the same area and, unbelievably, that the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.The officer gget out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 78 bus and that was seven hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"The blonde replis, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...the 65th bus just went by!"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. A doctor examines her and says, ''You have acute appendicitis.''The blond then yells at the doctor, ''I came here to get medical help, not to get a stupid compliment!''

Blonde Jokes:
Two blondes were planning to rob a bank. The first blonde had a tendency to be smarter than the second.They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank. The first blonde says to the second blonde, "Are you SURE you understand the plan?" "Yes!" replied the second blonde. So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned. The first blonde gets very nervous.Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down."No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!"

Blonde Jokes:
A Blonde walks into a restaurant, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that says "Ocean Cruise Only $100."So she pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper.The secretary nods and asks if she has the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary.The secretary looks over to a big, burly guy reading a newspaper and nods to him. He then stands up and knocks the blonde unconscious.When the blonde wakes up, she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea, when all of a sudden she sees one of her friends, (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her.The blonde looks at her friend and says, "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"And the other blonde replies, "Well, they didn't serve any last year!"

Blonde Jokes:
The top 10 inventions by Blondes:1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to a repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have some fun; so he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.Back home, after 3 hours of blowing into the tailpipe, the blonde's friend (another blonde!) came over and asked what she was doing."I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's just really working.""Well, duh! You have to roll up the windows first!"

Blonde Jokes:
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive." The milkman replied, "Oh, okay. Pasteurized?" The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said..."No, just up to my neck."

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde was walking down the street when she looked up and saw a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde exclaimed, "Good thing I had my mouth open or that would've hit me right in the face!"

Blonde Jokes:
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday one of you takes away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her, "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?"
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two months studying.The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets rather indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says, "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair confidently and proclaims, "That's easy! It's M!"

LOL... more coming right up

OPENING CEREMONY

2008-05-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

TADA!! my galore is open to everybody... dun mind the fact i didnt edit the html... i have no clue how to do it... tagboard will be up soon..

SO SIT BACK, RELAX, AND HAVE A GOOD LAUGH HERE