as requested by dan =.= rd jokes. courtesy of http://www.rdasia.com

I have a room in my house, full of mirrors. Sometimes I go there to reflect.

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Pessimist: ''My glass is half empty.''
Optimist: ''My glass is half full.''
Corporate-downsizing consultant: ''Looks like we've got twice as much glass as we need here.''

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Butch, our dog, hated taking his medicine for worms. After a lot of trial and error, my father eventually figured out the simplest way to get it into him: blow it down Butch's throat with something called a pill tube.
So Dad put the large tablet in one end of the tube, forced the reluctant dog's jaws open and poked the other end into his mouth. Then, just as my father inhaled to blow, Butch coughed.
A startled look appeared on Dad's face. He opened his eyes wide and swallowed hard. "I think I've just been de-wormed," he gasped.

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Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup. "I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

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According to the National Sleep Foundation, 75 per cent of adults say they have problems sleeping. The poll used a random sample of 1506 adults who were called in the middle of the night.

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One afternoon my mother went shopping and returned a few hours later with ten new dresses.
"Ten!" Dad hollered. "What could any woman possibly want with ten new dresses?"
Mum replied in a calm voice: "Ten new pairs of shoes."

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Vinegar gets a lot of use in our home. I use it for laundry, for cleaning, and we normally eat salad dressed with plain olive oil and vinegar. One day I arrived home to find my eight-year-old son, Jason, scrubbing a very slippery floor. "Did you put vinegar in the water?" I asked him.
"Yes," he replied, "and I threw in some oil, too."

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My ten-year-old grandson, Jeffrey, called to ask if he and his cousin could sleep over at our house. ''Not this weekend, Jeffrey, '' I told him. ''I'm getting old.''

''But, Grandma, '' he protested, ''next weekend you'll be even older!''

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Knitting is a passion for my friend Elizabeth, who is a caregiver for the elderly. When she brings her clients to doctors appointments, she knits while she waits. Recently Elizabeth showed me a gorgeous scarf she'd made.

''How long does something like that take?'' I asked.

''About one stress test and one colonoscopy," she estimated

major rd update xD

WATSSUP MY NIGGA,JOKER SAMUEL IN THE HOUSE!!

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient." "OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me. I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."


ok this is dam stupid -.-

Dan:Look!!Look!!Look what I found!!!No wait...Look what I took credit for finding!! ^^

If all lawyer are like these... who needs them..!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY:
Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight..
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you beganthe autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


xD xP Cheers!!!!!!