I was sprawled on the living-room couch watching my favourite show on the food network when my husband walked in.

"why do you watch those food shows?"he asked. "you don't even cook."

Glaring back at him, I asked, "then why do you watch football?"


====================================

following my husband's physical exam, the doctor delivered some bad news.

"your white blood cells are elevated," he said.

what does that mean?"i asked.

Looking concerned, the doctor explained, "Up."


==================================


i was standing behind 2 old women when a very scruffy teenager strolled past.
one lady turned to the other and said

"that's Nigel. i overheard his mum saying that he was taking up hang-gliding."

"good lord,: replied the other. "the birds will think the scarecrows are coming up after them."


funny funny funny

another one joke post

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick, and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

roflmfao

one joke post =)

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself ashe ran home and started to tell his mother.

'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

HAHA

LONG TIME NO POST LOL!!!! DEAD BLOG!!! STUPID DAN!!!


Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and
found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Jones?" he
asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. My wife decided
to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let me down, I swam across the river
(look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson's helicopter, sky-dived on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously
disappointed.

"No woman can get ready in ten minutes."


================================================


A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"


===========================================


A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

"Sorry, it's not really your fault."the driver replied, "Today is my first day as a cab driver -

I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."


=============================================


Married life is frustrating.

The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the lawyers listen.


================================================



A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, WHY THE HELL DID I INVITE ALL THESE PEOPLE FOR DINNER?!?!"


===================================================


Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"


==========================================


A teacher asks her class,"If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.?


========================================



Sign Language

Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

After receiving His son`s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad


wow quite a long update!!!

byes!

somemore pics for ur enjoyment