wa long time no update... here's one

At a funeral this is bad manners......
Child (in a loud voice): Mom!!!
Mom (whisper): Yes???
Child: What's in the box???

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Covered with swellings and bruises, a man staggers into a hospital..

"Whatever happened to you?" asks the doctor.

"A swan bumped into me..."

"What?"

"After that a UFO hit me."

"Strange things happen to you."

"That’s nothing, afterwards an angel hit me on the head."

"Go on, I’m all ears!"

"After that they finally stopped the merry-go-round!"

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A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England.

“How did you enjoy it?” the guide asked when it was over.

“It was great,” the girl replied, “but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways.”

“No need to worry,” said the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost in all the time I’ve been here.”

“How long is that?” she asked.

“Oh, about 300 years.”

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Flying to a tourist spot for a long weekend, a couple of friends were an hour into the trip when the flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
“The pilot has just informed me that we’ve lost an engine. There’s no need for alarm, though. We have three engines left, and we’ll just be an hour late.”

About another hour into the flight she made another announcement.

“We’ve lost another engine. Don’t worry. We still have two more, but we’ll be another hour late.”

One guy turned to his friend and said, “Man, if we lose the other two engines, we’ll be up here all day.”

yawn go ZZZ le

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it.

You aren't the first medical practitionerto sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single.

Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back toreality.

Whispering......




Dave.......




Dave........




Dave............










you're a vet....

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Koos was walking through his veld one day when he spots someone drinking water from a pool.

He shouts,

"Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap kak". (Don't drink that water its full of sheep shit)

The other guy says, "I'm from England mate, speak English!"

Koos replies, "Use both hands, you get more that way".

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3 minute management course

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird d singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.
LOL that was funny

Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by. There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them. The old dog lifts it's hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.

One of the old men says to the other, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."

After a short pause, the other old man says, "Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!"



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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



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A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.



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A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.



The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”



The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”



The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”



The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”



The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”



The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”



The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.



The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.



His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face.



The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,



“Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”



The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”



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One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently.

He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom.

When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean."

The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it.

So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole.

Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.



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Two people are walking through a graveyard when they hear a wierd chiselingsound.

Scared to death they continue walking sticking together when theclinking noise grew even louder.

They are relieved when they find an old manchiseling away at one of the tombstones.

One of them walks up to the oldman and says, "You gave us such a fright mate, we thought you were aghost."

The old man replies, "Dont worry, its those idiotic graveyard wardens,they got my name wrong"..........