update.....





here's something for those who called my blog racist=)





A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.


The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."


The black man turned around and stood up.


He then said:"When I was born I was black,"


"When I grew up I was black,"


"When I'm sick I'm black,"


"When I go in the sun I'm black,"


"When I'm cold I'm black,"


"When I die I'll be black."


"But you sir..."


"When you're born you're pink,"


"When you grow up you're white,"


"When you're sick, you're green,"


"When you go in the sun you turn red,"


"When you're cold you turn blue,"


"And when you die you turn purple."


"And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!"


The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...



==============================================



Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by. There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them. The old dog lifts it's hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.
One of the old men says to the other, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."
After a short pause, the other old man says, "Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!"
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
===========================================
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

=============================================

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me
get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,

“Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

================================================

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently.

He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom.

When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean."

The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that.
So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it.

So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole.

Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.

==================================

Two people are walking through a graveyard when they hear a wierd chiselingsound.

Scared to death they continue walking sticking together when theclinking noise grew even louder.

They are relieved when they find an old manchiseling away at one of the tombstones.

One of them walks up to the oldman and says, "You gave us such a fright mate, we thought you were a ghost."

The old man replies, "Dont worry, its those idiotic graveyard wardens,they got my name wrong"..........

HAHA hope u liked that

lol got another update and hope u all like it!!!


A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

===========================================

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

==========================================

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said."The sharks got 'em."

=============================================

Below are four (4) questions.You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready?
GO!!! (scroll down)


First Question: You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





Answer:If you answered that you are first, then youare absolutely wrong! If you overtake the secondperson and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to mess up in the next question.


To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.



Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?





Answer:If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this are you?



Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.




Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!


Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?





Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth?





Answer:Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

lol u guys are really bad at this...... XDXDXDXD

anybody thr? yawn.... UPDATE!!! LOL

To all Employees:
With effect from Effective January 2007,

*Dress Code*
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you aredoing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, sothat you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and thereforeyou do not need a pay raise.
*Sick Days*We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


*Holiday Days*Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are calledSaturday & Sunday.

*Compassionate Leave*This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deadfriends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to havenon-employees attend to the arrangements.In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should bescheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to workthrough your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early

*Toilet Use*
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now astrict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper rollwill retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the companynotice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under thecompany's mental health policy.

*Lunch Break*1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so thatthey can look healthy.2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal tomaintain their average figure.3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time neededto drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer ofchoice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere

*Management*
=================================================

Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator:"Could you please tell me the time difference betweenTaipei and Las Vegas?"Operator: "Just a minute……"Ah Beng: "Thank You," and puts down the phone.

=======================================================

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tellsthe bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and hiscompanion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU,SIR?"Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

=======================================================

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working onquite for some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off thefinished puzzle to a friend."It took me ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Beng brags."FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG," the friend exclaims."YOU ARE A FOOL."Ah Beng replies," NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTENFOR 4-7YRS, LEH!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng took part in a ManhuntCompetition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks,"Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!"Others exclaim, "No it's Grape Juice!"Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"Host: "Quiet please."Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena beforereplying, "C'mon man, you think I need your help? Igot more original answer: Guni!"(cow milk in Hokkien).

=======================================================

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was usingit when he encountered some problems. He decided touse the 'Help' command.After some tries, he became irritated and called thecomputer retailer for support.Ah Beng:" I pressed the 'F1' key for help…but it'sbeen over half an hour and still nobody has came tohelp me???"Computer Retailer:...............

=======================================================

Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home, wasannoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote breakingoff their engagement and asking for her photographback. He went out and collected from his friends allthe unwanted photographs of women that he could find,bundled them all together and sent them to her with anote stating the following:"Regret cannot remember which one isyou...............please keep your photo and return the others."

=======================================================

Once Ah Beng , Ah Seng and Ah Lian went for dinner atthe Compass Rose at the top of the Westin Stamford .After dinner, they went to the lift scanned thebuttons and couldn't find the button for the firstfloor. Ah Beng suggested taking the stairs but Ah Liandecided to press the lift button "G". They foundthemselves on the first ground and Ah Beng remarked,"Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this wasground floor?" Ah Lian replied ," Aiyah so simple youalso dunno! G: stands for gero loh!"

=======================================================

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?Because below 18 was not allowed.

comment and vote plz haha...

again at aunt's house. im bored, no one comes =(

A Chinese and Steven Spielberg were drunk in a barSpielberg slapped the Chinese.
Chinese: Why?
Spielberg: Because you bombed Pearl Harbor! My father died there!
Chinese: But I'm Chinese! I'm not Japanese!
Spielberg: You fool! Japanese, Vietnamese, Chinese. You're all the same!
The Chinese then punched
SpielbergSpielberg: Why?
Chinese: That's for sinking the Titanic.
Spielberg: But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, stupid!Chinese: iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!

A child was running because he'd be late for class, so he decided to pray.
"God, please help me get to school on time."
As the boy was running, he suddenly got tripped...
"God, don't push me, will ya? Don't get too anxious!"

There was once a child who was praying inside the church, asking God to give him a bicycle.
Child: Lord, please give me a bike!
The next day, the child didn't recieve a bike. So, he decided to go back to the church and pray to God once more
Child: Lord, give me a bike, will ya?
Again, the child's hopes of having a bicycle was to no avail.
The next day, the parish priest noticed that the statuette of the Virgin Mary is missing.
He then saw a letter placed on the altar:
"LORD IF YOU WANT YOUR MOTHER BACK, GIVE ME A BIKE!"

Visitor: How old are you, young man?
Little Boy: Nine, sir.
Visitor: And what are you going to be when you grow up?
Little Boy: Ten, sir?

"You've never even thanked me for making you happyT
hen you threw me away just like that?
I hate you for using me!
I hate you for making my life full of shit!"- Tissue Paper

LOL man looking for more XDXDXD

backyy.. now at aunt's house.. here's an update

A General goes to the medical camp to instill morale into his sick and wounded soldiers.
Upon entry he sees 3 soldiers sitting there.
He goes up to the first soldier and asks : "Whats wrong with you soldier?"
Soldier 1: " Sir, I have Athletes Foot, Sir!"
General: " What are you doing about it? "
Soldier 1: " Sir, Every morning the priest comes in with the voodoo brush and i rub my foot with it, Sir!"
General: " And what is your goal soldier? "
Soldier 1: " To get well and fight for you Sir!"
Then the General goes to the 2nd soldier and asks: " Soldier whats wrong with you ? "
Soldier 2: " Sir, I have Piles Sir !"
General: " What are you doing about it? "
Soldier 2: " Sir, Every morning the priest comes in with the voodoo brush and i rub my ass with it, Sir!"
General: " And what is your goal soldier? "
Soldier 2: " To get well and fight for you Sir!"
Then the General goes to the 3rd soldier and asks: " Soldier whats wrong with you ? "
Soldier 3: " Sir, I have Tonsillitis Sir !"
General: " What are you doing about it? "
Soldier 3: " Sir, Every morning the priest comes in with the voodoo brush and i rub my throat with it, Sir!"
General: " And what is your goal soldier? "
Soldier 3: " To get the brush before the other 2 soldiers use it Sir!"

3 guys get stranded on an island and get captured by the natives. The natives speak broken english and says: "You Die, or Get Woomba Woomba"
The first guy not knowing what woomba woomba was, says that he'll take woomba woomba so the tribe strips him naked and sodomizes him.
He comes back crying and tells the other 2 guys what woomba woomba was.
The second guy thinks about it and say well he doesnt want to die and he'll take woomba woomba again the entire tribe sodomizes him.
He comes back crying.
The Third guy, with much prides screams out "I rather die!" and the whole tribe replies "Ahh, death by woomba woomba !"

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Thando
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In overtwenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Thando said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been biggerthan the size of an AAA battery.Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won'thappen again. Now ... what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Thando replied.
The doctor fainted

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

LOL............... tag ur comment TY!!!

more jokes as promised!!!

Mark is made to take position against the wall and the firing squad gets ready to shoot. He shouts "Earthquake!!!". The firing squad panics and Mark escapes by jumping over the wall. Ben was next. He shouted "Tornado!!!" and also made a clean getaway. Last in line was Lucas. Lucas thought "I get it. Just shout out a random disaster and jump over the wall to escape...". The firing squad took aim when Lucas yelled "Fire"..................

Anna: I began my acts of unselfish generosity today. I gave 10 dollars to an absolute no hoper today...Mary: Thats an awful lot of money.....what did your husband say??Anna: He said thanks.....

A blind man is travelling to Texas. He feels the seats of the train and says to the man next to him he says "These seats sure are big" to which the man replies "Everything is bigger in texas". He then checks into is hotel and goes to the bar. He feels the beer glass and says to the bartender "The glasses sure are big" to which the bartender says "Everything is bigger in Texas". The blind man the asks to go to the lavatory.The bartender gave him directions. On the way he takes a wrong turn, slips and falls into the swimming pool. Scared to death he shouts "Dont flush!!!! Dont flush!!!!"....................

A forest ranger is taking a tourist through a forest full of bats. All bats are staring at the tourist hanging upside down from almost all trees. Then suddenly the tourist notices that on 1 of the trees all the bats are sitting upright. The tourist asks the ranger "Why are those bats sitting upright?". The ranger replies "Dont worry.......just the local yoga club.................."

Many people are travelling on a plane........Over the Atlantic the plane loses power......The captain announces "We're losing altitide so we are going to have to throw out the luggage". The passengers agree and all the luggage is thrown out. After a few minutes they lose a second engine, the captain announces "We have just lost another engine...we have to throw out the cabin baggage". So the cabin baggage is also thrown out. Just five minutes later a third engine blows out. The captain announces "We are close to land people, but we have to throw out some passengers too". There is an uproar in the cabin. Undaunted the captain continues "Passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order. A- any asians on board??... no? B - any blacks on board??....no......." Suddenly a little black boy asks his father "Dad, what are we??" His dad replies "Tonight son, we are Zulus................."

getting outta here... talk again.. XDXDXDXD

all these jokes are courtesy of Train Heartnet XIII A.K.A. danial:

Q: What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Q: What did the blonde do when she locked her keys in her car?
A: She had to break a window to get out!
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut itin six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can understand them.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?
A: She sneezes.
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A. "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: A foursome.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A: Thanks Guys
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: Why did the blonde nurse bring a red marker to work?
A: In case she had to draw blood!
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes.
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q.What are the worst years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
A: Air PocketsQ: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear
Q: How does a blonde kill a worm?A: She burys it.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 99% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been sighted.
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says, “I would like to buy that T.V. please.”
The store clerk replies, “I’m sorry, but we don’t do business with blondes.”
So she angrily leaves the store, goes home, and dyes her hair black.
The next day, she goes back to the same store and says, “I would like to buy that T.V. please.”
The store clerk, once again, replies. “Sorry, we don’t do business with blondes.”
The blonde replis, “How did you know I was blonde?”
The clerk responds, “Because that’s a microwave, not a T.V.”

Blonde Jokes:
Two blondes walk into a building…wouldn’t you think at least one of them would have seen it?

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde dyed her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on. So one day she was driving in the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. She asked a farmer, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"
“Uh, okay, I guess,” said the farmer.
So she quickly counted them and said 247. The farmer looked around astonished and said, "Okay then, go ahead and take one."
As she was walking back to her car the farmer stopped her and asked,” If I can guess your natural hair color can I have my dog back?"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic."Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blonde replies."Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?""Yeah, but he didn't. I was SO RELIEVED when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them. They speed off and eventually crash into the side of a barn. They then quickly jump out of the car and hide under some potato sacks. The cop runs in after them, and the first potato sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, "MEEEEOOOOOOW", and the cop says, "Oh! It's just a stupid cat." He then moves to the potato sack the red-head is under and kicks it. The red-head replies, "WOOF, WOOF", the cop, angry now, says, "STUPID DOG!" Then the cop gets to the potato sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde screams, "POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOO!"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. She starts screaming at the top of her lungs, but the horse doesn't stop, and the blonde continues to be dragged upside down. She is panicked and doesn't know what to do. Finally, the Wal-Mart manager comes out and unplugs it.

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a painter and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any work for her to do."Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50 when he was interrupted…
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Blonde Jokes:
There are 3 women standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything that you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." Poof! She disappeared. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I am the prettiest woman in the world." Poof! She disappeared. Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think..." and poof, she disappeared.

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde starts first grade --
Day 1A blonde comes home from her first day at school and says to her mom,” We learned how to count up to 5 today mommy, but got all the way up to 10!” Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?"
”Yes little one,” replies the mother.Day 2:"We learned how to do the alphabet today mommy. The others only got up to E, but I got all the way up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"”Yes little one,” replies the mother.Day 3:"I think I learned about boobies today mommy. You see, all of the other girls are flat chested but I'm a 40DD. Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?"”No, it’s because you’re 27.”

Blonde Jokes:
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 3 in the morning.The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and screamed,"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?"
And his lovely wife replied, "I don't have any idea who it was. Just some stupid woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear.’”
"Why in the heck would anyone call asking me about the dang weather by the ocean?"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk, and the brunette goes, "Oh look, a dead bird," and the blonde looks up at the sky and goes, "Where?"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says "Well ma'am, I can't cut your hair with those head-phones on. You're going to have to take them off." She shakes her head vigorously and replies "No, if I take them off, I will die."
"That's ridiculous," yells the barber, as he rips the headphones off her head.
But, tragically, she fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised so he picked up the head-phones. All he heard was "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in."

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde visits Washington D.C. for the first time and she wants to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a cop for directions.
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"The officer replis, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 78 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanks the officer and he drives away.Seven hours later the police officer returns to the same area and, unbelievably, that the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.The officer gget out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 78 bus and that was seven hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"The blonde replis, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...the 65th bus just went by!"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. A doctor examines her and says, ''You have acute appendicitis.''The blond then yells at the doctor, ''I came here to get medical help, not to get a stupid compliment!''

Blonde Jokes:
Two blondes were planning to rob a bank. The first blonde had a tendency to be smarter than the second.They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank. The first blonde says to the second blonde, "Are you SURE you understand the plan?" "Yes!" replied the second blonde. So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned. The first blonde gets very nervous.Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down."No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!"

Blonde Jokes:
A Blonde walks into a restaurant, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that says "Ocean Cruise Only $100."So she pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper.The secretary nods and asks if she has the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary.The secretary looks over to a big, burly guy reading a newspaper and nods to him. He then stands up and knocks the blonde unconscious.When the blonde wakes up, she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea, when all of a sudden she sees one of her friends, (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her.The blonde looks at her friend and says, "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"And the other blonde replies, "Well, they didn't serve any last year!"

Blonde Jokes:
The top 10 inventions by Blondes:1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to a repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have some fun; so he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.Back home, after 3 hours of blowing into the tailpipe, the blonde's friend (another blonde!) came over and asked what she was doing."I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's just really working.""Well, duh! You have to roll up the windows first!"

Blonde Jokes:
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive." The milkman replied, "Oh, okay. Pasteurized?" The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said..."No, just up to my neck."

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde was walking down the street when she looked up and saw a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde exclaimed, "Good thing I had my mouth open or that would've hit me right in the face!"

Blonde Jokes:
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday one of you takes away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Blonde Jokes:
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her, "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?"
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two months studying.The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets rather indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says, "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair confidently and proclaims, "That's easy! It's M!"

LOL... more coming right up

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